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April Masini, a New York-based relationship expert, says if he has no plans for the week or weekend, you're probably just a distraction from it all."You may be great, and he may be, too — but he may be with you because he doesn't have anything else going on," says Masini."You've become Default Girl."If you can tell that you're his only source of activity, consider that a bad sign.But everyone who's ever dated online knows personal profiles can be a minefield - too often a tall, dark, handsome millionaire turns out to be a short, fat, ugly geek. She's got views on everything and she's not afraid to ram them forcefully down your throat. If a woman is selling her personality, then her face looks good in a paper bag. Welcome to a world of slamming doors, smashed crockery and huffy silences. It's safe to deduct three inches from any man claiming to be between 5ft 7 and 5ft 10. The flowers come from the garage forecourt and he calls you 'babe' or 'sweetheart' because he can't remember your name.Here, to help you read between the lines of adverts, CLAUDIA CONNELL brings you a handy his 'n' hers Dating Dictionary. She'll be forever showing you pictures of fluffy kittens on her mobile phone and, on your first date, will have given pet names to all your fingers before the main course arrives. Forget any silly notions of Marilyn Monroe's softly sensuous body. VOLUPTUOUS Fat and shows too much flesh in clothes two sizes too small for her. Tries to make up for her ample size by being the life and soul of the party and fails in all respects. That means he's ugly, 5ft 3in and plays snooker CUDDLY Morbidly obese. But it's doubtful many beholders will consider her beautiful. On the UK High Street it's a completely different story. Cancel a date with this girl and you'll come home to find your car has been keyed and all the sleeves have been cut off your shirts. SPORTY I watched the Olympics and play snooker for the local pub team. Best not to hang around long enough to find out whether it's pre op or post op. Yes being single, lonely and depressed is a good thing. American girls, on the other hand, would give you a look like you are some freak and all kind of weird vibes after that.Take it as a sign or a call to action in American speak. See what happens is many American girls are serial monogamous daters until their 30s for this reason. American girls like this are horrible to date if you ask me. This is how you are supposed to feel when you do not have your other half. I teach English one on one and I will tell you what I learned.Let me tell you when two single people of the opposite sex meet, even for coffee, it is a date.
For example in America, if a gal and a guy meet, the girls often say, ‘OK I will meet you, but lets not call it a date’. She can tell you the name of every character in TV teen drama Gossip Girl, but has no idea who the Prime Minister is. Likes to start the day with a couple of Bacardi Breezers. I'M INTO WHIRLWIND ROMANCES My visa runs out in 10 days and if I don't get married I'll be deported. Brace yourself for a world of cup-a-soups and novelty toilet roll holders. She'll have Googled you and looked you up on Friends Reunited before you even meet. Andrew Lloyd Webber will look like a Calvin Klein model next to this guy. TOLD ATTRACTIVE By my mother, the only woman I've every loved or am ever likely to. HOPE YOU LIKE MY PICTURE Taken 10 years ago and bears no resemblance on now. NOT JUST LOOKING FOR SEX I am just looking for sex but hope you won't see through my cunning reverse psychology. On a date he'll order graphically named cocktails and talk dirty with you over the garlic bread. You want to paint the town red and she'll want you to paint her living room beige. Woe betide you if you don't notice she's had her hair cut or that she's wearing new shoelaces. Everyone in online dating is 'attractive.' In the real world it means 'pleasant to look at' - in the internet-speak it means: two eyes, two ears and a mouth. When he's not even claiming to be attractive, it's time to worry. DISCRETION OFFERED I don't care if you're married too. So unless you're a sure thing you pay for your own dinner.A date would necessitate the removal of the roof and a whale sling. NOT INTO EMAIL TENNIS I need to secure a date as soon as possible, before you suss out what a tedious dullard I am. A woman's place is in the home and, more precisely, the kitchen - preferably cooking his meals and elbow deep in his dirty shirts. He'll order for you in a restaurant and pat you on the bottom and say 'don't you worry your pretty head about it' when you ask him about his day. Only to be pursued if you like men who moult all over your furniture. Speak slowly and clearly and always be within five minutes of a toilet. Cuddling is very unlikely, although squashing is a distinct possibility. The good news is he travels for free and gets in half-price at the cinema. The sort of person you cross the road to avoid, even if the road is the M1 in the rushhour.